Cocktail Confessions

Sometimes I wonder just how lazy I actually am.  It’s a hard question to really answer both honestly and contextually if I think about it for any given amount of time.  And the only really reason I am thinking about it now is that I am too lazy to do anything else more constructive.  However, since I am actually developing a post in the right here and the right now goes to show you I have enough motivation and energy to devout to such a mundane topic, perhaps I am not that lazy afterall.

I suppose laziness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  Or a matter of opinion and perspective.

My wife was gone on a business trip this last week and left me home alone to fend for myself the last five days.  Now generally speaking I am not a lazy person.  I actually get more done in the early hours of the day, than the average Joe does before finishing his first cup of coffee.  I also try an plan out my free time (i.e. not slaving away at my actual job) to fit in the myriad of chores most men slough off.  I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I mop, I do dishes, I walk the dog, I pull weeds, I pick up dog crap, etc., etc.  I also manage to fit in numerous other tasks on the weekends and still manage to get in some drinks and entertainment. 

This can also leave me exhausted, or too brain numb for the trivial things, such as overlooking the fact if there is enough soap or ‘body wash’ in shower when it’s time to get clean.  Not just once, but two days in a row now, thank you kindly.

See I was in the shower the other day and reached for the soap bottle when I discovered it was empty.  So naturally I reached for the other one (it’s always good to have a back up), only to realize that my backup was also bone dry inside.  How I did not notice the evening before they were both empty and why they were still in the shower is something only my subconscious could answer if it wasn’t marinating in a jacuzzi of hops and barley. 

Now the first thing that came to mind was contemplating if there was a full bottle available in the closet which I am sure there was, but this is where the laziness kicks in:  the thought of getting out of a hot shower, dripping and walking to the closest to retrieve bottle of new soap seemed like a very daunting and bothersome task, even if it only did take 20 seconds.  The whole thought process bouncing around in my noggin, weighing both the pros and cons of such a bold and innovative solution took longer than if I just would have performed the task initially.  And again, the fact I am detailing this all out in this very post is beyond any sane comprehension.

Then another bottle grabbed my attention.  It was blue, very blue in fact, and it isn’t that much a of a stretch of the imagination to realize it also had a faint hint of blueberry fragrance.  What was it?  It was my dog’s specially formulated body scrup/shampoo.  I picked up and scanned the bottle.  I read the ingrediants…seemed all above board and normal.  I took a small whiff…yup…blueberries for sure.  I looked at the price: $14.99.  Surly, if his shampoo costs more than mine it can’t be all that bad. 

So with all the facts and circumstances laid out before me, I am readily admitting that due to my laziness of not wanting to temporarily get out of the shower, I lathered by whole body up from head to toe in my dogs shampoo.

Would it suprise you to learn that the following day, knowing full well ahead of time I was out of body wash stepping back into teh shower, that of course I forgot again?  Well, don’t be.  I did indeed forget the second day, and once again lathered up in my doggy sudz, both of us smelling like blueberries.

So as any self respecting nerdy geek like myself will admit to without embarrassment, I enjoy video games.  Always have.  My very first console was an Intellivision, followed by the following: Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Xbox, Wii, Xbox 360.  That doesn’t include the portable systems I’ve owned as well: GameBoy advance and PSP nor my pure gaming rig, the PC computer.

Anyways, I’ve played a lot of games over the years.  Some good, some bad, some strange.  But Japan has the market on weird shit as the picture states.  The land of the rising sun in all their tech savvy ways is also very perverted.  That’s not to say the Germans and a few other European countries don’t give the Japanese a run for their money when it comes to eroticism and perversion…well, I suppose perversion is in the eye of the beholder, but the Japanese often blend sex with just about anything they can.  Take vending machines for instance:  it is well known that Japanese business men can often be seen dropping coins into public vending machines in order to obtain panties.  Yes…panties.  Not sure if they are ‘used’ or not, but no one seems to think this is out of the ordinary over there.

They are also obsessed with Manga, or to qualify, cartoonish looking robots and young school girls with larger than life eyes, huge breasts, and some kind of innocent-slash-constipated look on their faces.

Now throw in video games.

This is what you get: Eroge, a video games that not only encourages masturbation, but also keeps score and statistics regarding your solo activities if you feel so inclined.  Yes, you are indeed reading this correctly….the game keeps track of how many times you have decided to a choke the proverbial chicken.  There are numerous categories you can enter data in (wash your hands first though), such as: Did you use socks today?  How long did it take you?  How many times did you spank the monkey today?  You get the idea.  The best part is, there is a handy graphing tools as well for those math centric racial stereotyping we are go good at.  Hey, go compare your graph with that of your friend.  Fun!

I have no words for this.

It’s pretty much self-explanatory on the WTF front.

Came across this news story from FOXnews earlier today, and as soon as I read where….why wasn’t I surprised?  Okay, sorry if this seems somewhat insensitive, but all stereotypes are indeed borne out of some truth….otherwise it wouldn’t be labeled a ’stereotype’.

The number of teenage moms has increased in recent years — and one Chicago high school has reportedly become a shocking example of that, revealing that one in eight of its female students are pregnant.

Of the 800 female students at Paul Robeson High School in Chicago, Ill., 115 are expectant mothers, CBS2Chicago.com reported Thursday.

The staggering number can be attributed to various factors inside the home — not the school — principal Gerald Morrow told the station.

“It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home, if you will,” Morrow said, according to the network, noting that “absentee fathers” are another factor in the school’s high number of teen pregnancies.

The birth rate for teens ages 15 to 19 increased 5 percent from 2005 to 2007, according to a March 18 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics.

What I can’t believe (actually I can because it does indeed defy conventional logic….but that’s what left-centric causes and ideologies perpetuate…excuses and placing the responsibility on someone else’s shoulders rather than those that put themselves there to begin with.), is the fact that the explanation comes in the lame form of “It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home..”

Really?  Whoa!  Some one check out Mr. smartypants and his credentials.  Of course it can be things happening or not happening in the home…I’d like to take a stab at it…Teenage kids are having unprotected sex and no one (including the kids) are taking any responsibility for it! 

Now don’t give me this horseshit that kids aren’t educated or don’t know any better, or lack of sex education or that they come from poverty.  My word man, are you really telling me that more than 1 out of 8 kids in Chicago are that stupid?  Well, since it actually takes two kids to make things happen, the odds of getting two like minded dumb-shits together seems somewhat staggering.  What you’re trying to sell me is that these kids apparently don’t know what happens from movies, from neighbors, parents, church, siblings, television, the streets, or say….the other 100+ kids in the school that made the same judgment call.  There are countries out there with much worse social and financial problems than we have and their pregnancy rates aren’t that high and that concentrated.  No, are kids and those that surround them are in la-la land and think good ‘ole Uncle Sam has the responsibility to take care of them.  Bullshit.

STOP making excuses for these r-tards and stop asking me and the rest of the Joe Public and government to pay for them.  In the advent of health care reform the president and the left is trying to rail through capitol hill, our monies are going to pay for this.  No…..

I seriously wish I could indeed take credit for this masterpiece of creativity.  I came across this ‘rant’ letter today from “Emails From Crazy People.”, and I swear this author and I must have crosses paths at one time or another.  I too work with a few people whom I spend way too much time contemplating how they got their job and wondering how they got past HR and the interview process. 

Anyway, with out further ado, I offer up this perfect slice of wickedly funny WTF:

To the women who work in my office… I hate you

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like ‘who you callin’ for?’ or ‘he in a meetin’ right now’ or my personal favorite, ‘who this is?’ I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone.

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don’t wear panties.

Boss’ old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared’ it’s Evan.

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don’t care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard.

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it!

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don’t want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don’t know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then!

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn’t slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn’t respect you any less.

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I’m pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man.

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son… yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office… not a brothel.

Witchita, KAN - A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at knifepoint.

Police say two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6p/m. saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings.  Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry, and the man’s wallet.

Police say one of the robbers was a 64-year-old man who egged his 59-year-old companion on during the robbery.

The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.

This is a news article I found on FoxNews.com today:

Stimulus Checks Mistakenly Sent to 1,700 Inmates, Federal Agency Says.

Excerpt: “The inspector general’s office for the Social Security Administration is looking into the problem as part of its broader audit on stimulus spending. The Social Security Administration acknowledged the $425,000 glitch following a report that nearly two-dozen inmates in Massachusetts had wrongly received the $250 stimulus checks.”

Social Security spokesman Dan Moraski told FOXNews.com in a written statement that the money went out because official records “did not accurately reflect that they were in prison.” 

The inspector general’s office for the Social Security Administration is now looking into the problem as part of its broader audit on stimulus spending. The Social Security Administration acknowledged the glitch following a report that nearly two-dozen inmates in Massachusetts had wrongly received the $250 stimulus checks. 

Even before the agency disclosed that the problem was more widespread, the discovery prompted complaints from Republicans critical of the $787 billion stimulus and the way it has been managed.   End Excerpt. 

Click on the link above to read the whole debacle.

But in all seriousness…this is the same government who is behind paying auto dealerships in cash for clunkers, the same administration that is pressuring religious organizations that they have a ‘moral duty’ to pay for health care, but apparently has no qualms when it comes to morals on abortion.  The same government who currently runs bankrupt Fannie Mae, your atrocious DMV, wants upwards of $9 trillion in new debt.  Now they are sending stimulus checks to inmates.

And you trust them to run a national healthcare system?

Holy Sweet Baby Jesus!!

If this isn’t the mother of all Ghetto advertising, I don’t know what is.  I mean with a ringing endorsement of  “Bitches will be all up on your dick when you walk in a room sporting this ass raping poncho!” , how could any Old English swilling, crack smoking, tin-plated grill wearing, old skool pimp go wrong?

And for you ladies, “Pretend you ain’t fat!” is rock solid marketing that any toothless, carney-going, Boonsefarm drinking, extension wearing, bubble booty ho would love to be wearing in style with her man.

This is pure gold.  I’d love to see their marketing campaign for shoes and pants while they’re at it.  What in Sam Hill tar-nation was going through their minds?  In what exact magazine or trade would you find this in?

I swear the lady poncho looks like a picture you’d find in your parents J.C. Penny catalog from the Angie Disckenson collection ro something.

A 50-year-old California man says he ordered French onion soup and bit into a condom instead of melted cheese.

Zdenek Philip Hodousek of Mission Viejo, CA sued a local Claim Jumper restaurant Tuesday (7/21/09)in Orange County Superior Court. He is seeking unspecified damages.

Hodousek’s attorney, Eric Traut, says his client wants restaurant employees’ DNA tested to find a match to female DNA allegedly found on the condom.

A public relations firm representing Claim Jumper says an internal probe (heh, they said ‘probe’) revealed no employee wrongdoing.

The firm says Hodousek took the so-called “foreign object” found in his soup with him, and there is no proof it is the same item later submitted to a lab for testing.

CC:  This sounds fishy (no pun intended), but why does the guy know that ‘female’ DNA was allegedly found on the condom?  One owuld think thiswould be eitehr cooked off in teh heating prcoess, or if anything, you’d want to teset for the male DNA inside the condom.  Anyway, well yeah…um…anyway.  No - I got nothing.

 WTF? 

#1 I’m sorry, but if I were of the same sex persuasion I’d be insulted by this as.  “Gaynines?”  Really?  That’s the best Washington City can come up with is a play of sexual orienation and tie it into the pets you care for?  “Come on OUT!”?  Groan.

“Is your dog straight?”  Really?  Do you really ponder what sexual orientation your male pooch assuming he/she has been spayed/nuetered?  Most male dogs will mount anything.  Hell, throw a roll of paper towels out on the floor or a stuffed teddy bear rubbed in bacon fat and Rover will be all over it.

But “Undecided?”  Not sure how having an animal of any sort precludes you from figuring out your own sexual orienation, but still in the end….Gaynines?  Ugh.

#2 No wonder this store sells so much seafood in its asian neighborhood.

Husband:  “Mama-san, this robster bisque soup where having tonight is dericious.”

Daughter: “Has anyron seen Fruffy?”