Cocktail Confessions

Holy Kool Aid!

It is widely well known and accepted that billionaire Bruce Wayne began his ascent to the mantle of Gotham City’s vigilante of justice and detective extroidinaire, (aka Batman) after the tragic murder of his parents when he was but a youth.

However, very little is know about Chatsworth, CA’s. own crusader of the night, Clarence Washington.

While enrolled in the liberal studies certificate program at the local community college, part time student and current Papa John’s delivery man, Clarence Washington takes matters into his own hands at night. 

Donning his very own stealth suit (Kobe Bryant’s jersey painted black), and armed with the latest in Radio Shack technology, ‘Blackman’ carves out his own brand of sweet Chuck-D inspired justice nightly (except when there is a delivery to be made or new episodes of Run’s House) and helps keep graffiti artists and unsolicited window washers at bay.

You’re lucky if you can catch a glimpse of this super-tricked out VW and the man behind the crinkled do-it-yourself tint.  However, vigilant observers may catch a glimpse of the Blackmobile frequently parked outside his rented room of his mom’s house in the 300 block of town.

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft has captured the highest-resolution temperature map to date of Saturn’s moon Mimas, and it found Pac-Man.

Mimas, one of Saturn’s many, many moons, is notable for several reasons. According to Wikipedia, it’s the “smallest known astronomical body that is thought to be rounded in shape due to self-gravitation.” For a sci-fi nerd, Mimas is notable because its singular prominent crater immediately brings to mind the Death Star – that’s no space station, that’s a moon! Now, NASA’s Cassini spacecraft has taken temperature-map photos of Mimas that give it another claim to fame: It’s secretly Pac-Man.

Specifically, it’s Pac-Man eating a dot, as seen here to the right. I mean, that’s unmistakably the classic videogame icon right there. I wonder if they’ll find Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde on any of the other moons while they’re at it?

NASA itself hadn’t been expecting to find the Pac-Man in the Moon, either:

Scientists working with the composite infrared spectrometer, which mapped Mimas’ temperatures, expected smoothly varying temperatures peaking in the early afternoon near the equator. Instead, the warmest region was in the morning, along one edge of the moon’s disk, making a sharply defined Pac-Man shape, with temperatures around 92 Kelvin (minus 294 degrees Fahrenheit). The rest of the moon was much colder, around 77 Kelvin (minus 320 degrees Fahrenheit). A smaller warm spot — the dot in Pac-Man’s mouth — showed up around Herschel, with a temperature around 84 Kelvin (minus 310 degrees Fahrenheit).

As it turns out, Pac-Man is defined by temperatures at a balmy -294 F. No wonder he eats so much – gotta stay warm somehow!

Credit to Escapist.com via G4

The poster caught my eye.

And I am glad it did.

Apparantly I’ve never heard of this little gem from our Canadian friends up north.  Based on a B&W short, this mockumentary style comedy ran on Canadian televion for seven seasons beginning in 2001.  It also spawned a few television specials and two feature films.  “The Big Dirty”, the first feature film was my first exposure to these characters and it was downright hilarious.  Not all the acting is top noch, but I don’t think it is supposed to be.  Each character is his or her own unique traffic accident waiting to happen and how they keep a straight face while selling you on their schtick is beyond me.

It’s a special type of humor, very similar to the style of ‘The Office’ or ‘Parks and Recreation’.  If your into that dry delivery and very intelligent although sophmoric humor, then I think you’ll love this show.  Like most mockumentaries of this nature, you’ll fall into either of two camps:  A) you won’t get it and thinks it’s dumb, or B) you’ll howl and cry out laughing.  Thank goodness I fall into the later category, and can look past the low budget (that’s half its charm anyway) and enjoy the nonsense and antics for what they are.

Now I suppose it’s up to me to go back and get the shows on DVD either through Netflix or purchasing the seasons through Amazon.  Either way, this is now on my “must see” list.  I’ll spare you the details of the chracters and plotlines, as they can all be found at the Wikipedia entry here.  But suffice to say, the antics at the trailer park are so ridiculous and out there, that they actually seem plausible as do many of the characters themselves.  The character’s Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles (pictures) are perfect and I swear they are charicatures of people we all actually have run into at one point in our lives.

Through the miracle of digital crack addiction phenom known as Facebook, I was able to recently reconnect with an associate I knew back in highschool some 20 years ago.  I learned that he has his own podcast over at teh website: SkurvyMonkeys.  A variety show chock full of music, comedy, and random musings between two dudes. 

I’m currently listening to the episode entitled ‘A Christmas to Drink by (part 2)’, and am very impressed.  This episode has some particularly funny holiday themeds music ranging from Disney to The Kinks.  A nice change from the ever so predictable Howard Stern crapola.

Production sounds a helluva lot better than my own futile attempts (Erik, don’t mind if I hit you up on some podcasting questions at a later date).  You can find their podcast on iTunes and I’ve included the links (skurvymonkeys.com and blendedmonkeys.com) in the right margin right here.  Anyway, go check them out!

Site Maintenance:

• MapPress upgraded to v1.5.8.9
• Blubrry Power Press upgraded to v1.0.4

I seriously wish I could indeed take credit for this masterpiece of creativity.  I came across this ‘rant’ letter today from “Emails From Crazy People.”, and I swear this author and I must have crosses paths at one time or another.  I too work with a few people whom I spend way too much time contemplating how they got their job and wondering how they got past HR and the interview process. 

Anyway, with out further ado, I offer up this perfect slice of wickedly funny WTF:

To the women who work in my office… I hate you

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like ‘who you callin’ for?’ or ‘he in a meetin’ right now’ or my personal favorite, ‘who this is?’ I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone.

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don’t wear panties.

Boss’ old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared’ it’s Evan.

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don’t care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard.

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it!

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don’t want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don’t know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then!

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn’t slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn’t respect you any less.

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I’m pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man.

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son… yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office… not a brothel.

It is widely well known and accepted that billionaire Bruce Wayne began his ascent to the mantle of Gotham City’s vigilante and caped crusader of justice as Batman after the tragic murder of his parents when he was but a youth.

However, very little is know about Chatsworth, CA’s. own crusader of the night, Clarence Washington.

While enrolled in the liberal studies certificate program at the local community college, part time student and current Papa John’s delivery man, Clarence Washington takes matters into his own hands at night. 

Donning his very own stealth suit (Kobe Bryant’s jersey painted black), and armed with the latest in Radio Shack technology, ‘Blackman’ carves out his own brand of sweet Chuck-D inspired justice nightly (except when there is a delivery to be made or new episodes of Run’s House) and helps keep graffiti artists and unsolicited window washers at bay.

You’re lucky if you can catch a glimpse of this super-tricked out VW and the man behind the crinkled do-it-yourself tint.  However, ken eyed and vigilant observers may catch a glimpse of the Blackmobile frequently parked outside his rented room of his mom’s house in the 300 block of town.

Holy Sweet Baby Jesus!!

If this isn’t the mother of all Ghetto advertising, I don’t know what is.  I mean with a ringing endorsement of  “Bitches will be all up on your dick when you walk in a room sporting this ass raping poncho!” , how could any Old English swilling, crack smoking, tin-plated grill wearing, old skool pimp go wrong?

And for you ladies, “Pretend you ain’t fat!” is rock solid marketing that any toothless, carney-going, Boonsefarm drinking, extension wearing, bubble booty ho would love to be wearing in style with her man.

This is pure gold.  I’d love to see their marketing campaign for shoes and pants while they’re at it.  What in Sam Hill tar-nation was going through their minds?  In what exact magazine or trade would you find this in?

I swear the lady poncho looks like a picture you’d find in your parents J.C. Penny catalog from the Angie Disckenson collection ro something.

Creamy Dressing?

 Discuss amongst yourselves please.

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