Cocktail Confessions

I recently had the unfortunate displeasure of being very disappointed by my metro-sexual inspired frozen lunch one day at work.  In a continual effort to help reduce my overall costs with the benefit of achieving and possibly maintaining a healthier weight, I opted to start taking more brown bag lunches to work. 

Believe me, I don’t stay at work during my lunch break because it’s a great place to hang out and pick up chicks.  Heck, barely half the employees at the company I work for can barely speak English as it is (*ICE, please make note of this).  No, it’s both an unfortunate and unfavorable decision on my part to help save some money and maintaining portion control.  I’ve been getting a little sick of homemade sandwiches and nuking cans of watered down soup, so on my last visit to the grocery store I noticed that many of the Healthy Choice frozen entree’s were on sale.  Basically, I could get 2 frozen meals at a soup kitchen deal of a price at $5.00.  For those that are math challenged, (and here in CA, according to most recent state statistics, that would be at least half of you.) that comes out to $2.50 a meal. 

With a new line of “All Natural” entree’s to tempt my taste buds, I opted to pick up a box of “Pumpkin Squash Ravioli”, which by the package picture and descriptive and inviting copy sounded rather appetizing.  Hell, I’m game to try it at least once.

Well lo’ and behold, after an intense morning at work (in which I also had skipped breakfast) I worked up quite an appetite, so one can only imagine how much I was looking forward to having a satisfying meal for lunch.  Well, what I got was far less than I expected.  At first I was mad, but anger gave way to disbelief, and soon disbelief morphed into absurd laughter and frivolity on my part.  So I decided to have a little fun, for the sake of levity, sanity, and of course content for my blog, so I sent Conagra Foods a letter, of course being absurd in my own right and seeing if they would respond.  

Actual Picture of meal taken with phone

Without further ado, I thought I’d share my actual letter to them with you all:

To whom it may concern;

As an occasional consumer of Healthy Choice microwaveable meals, I’d like to register an issue in regards to the ‘Pumpkin Squash Ravioli’ I recently purchased from the Pavillions in my area.

As tempting of a description as ‘pumpkin filled ravioli with a butter-sage sauce, asparagus and butternut squash’ is with the addition of extra virgin olive oil, I can’t help but be disappointed with the overall contents.

On the outside of the package, you can clearly count at least five ravioli, although some of my coworkers swear they can make out a possible sixth upon closer inspection.

When I removed mine from it’s package, I counted a total of three (3), yes, three, far from the pictured representation on the glossy cardboard packaging.

For a man of my size, a somewhat fit 235 lbs, standing 5′ 10″ in Rocksport shoes, three ravioli can hardly be considered a hearty lunch time meal.

One might argue that between the pumpkin filling and accompanying butternut squash that perhaps the fiber content may have been considered ‘filling’, but I assure you, as a born and bred Italian male, it is not. (A picture can be provided as I was able to take one with my phone, Mototoala Droid, that is).

Here’s to hoping that future offerings from Conagra Foods more closely represents the items depicted on the cover, lest you request that I switch brands to something more shallow in nutrition and not nearly as delightful as one expects from the Health Choice brand.

Regards and good health,

-Jayson Olson

It took about a week, but I indeed did get a response.  Unfortunately, it appears Conagra Foods doesn’t have quite a sense of humor about it as I did:

July 7, 2010

Dear Mr. Olson,

Thank you for your email concerning our Healthy Choice® All Natural Entrees Pumpkin Squash Ravioli. We appreciate your purchase, but sincerely apologize for your experience. We stand by the quality of our products, and want you to know that this matter has been taken seriously.

We will also be sending you a replacement coupon via regular mail that is valid for nine months. Please allow 1-2 weeks for receipt.

Thanks again for your feedback. We’re listening!

Sincerely,
XXXX

Consumer Affairs

Er….seems kinda boring doesn’t it?  I wonder about the people that have to put up with bullshit letters or calls like mine on a day to day basis.  What could XXX possibly be making per hour to respond to addled minded complaints like mine.  She probably wishes she were home watching Oprah and dreaming about saving up for the big swap meet coming to town in a few weeks.  I’d really like to think there is a pool of these workers who look forward to crazy ramblings like mine, and that it makes their day by passing it around amongst themselves for a good afternoon laugh.  That’s what I intended anyway, who the hell has the time to bitch about a $2.50 meal?….I do!!!!!  Perhaps we are kindred spirits after all; maybe if we met by accident in real life we’d share a yarn and have a beer at some local watering hole, recanting ridiculous tales that make our lives somewhat passable.

Then again, she may just think I’m an idiotic dick and cursing her minimum wage job as she processes yet another free coupon for tomorrow’s mailing.

That my friends is the mystery of all this.