Cocktail Confessions

Sometimes I wonder just how lazy I actually am.  It’s a hard question to really answer both honestly and contextually if I think about it for any given amount of time.  And the only really reason I am thinking about it now is that I am too lazy to do anything else more constructive.  However, since I am actually developing a post in the right here and the right now goes to show you I have enough motivation and energy to devout to such a mundane topic, perhaps I am not that lazy afterall.

I suppose laziness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  Or a matter of opinion and perspective.

My wife was gone on a business trip this last week and left me home alone to fend for myself the last five days.  Now generally speaking I am not a lazy person.  I actually get more done in the early hours of the day, than the average Joe does before finishing his first cup of coffee.  I also try an plan out my free time (i.e. not slaving away at my actual job) to fit in the myriad of chores most men slough off.  I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I mop, I do dishes, I walk the dog, I pull weeds, I pick up dog crap, etc., etc.  I also manage to fit in numerous other tasks on the weekends and still manage to get in some drinks and entertainment. 

This can also leave me exhausted, or too brain numb for the trivial things, such as overlooking the fact if there is enough soap or ‘body wash’ in shower when it’s time to get clean.  Not just once, but two days in a row now, thank you kindly.

See I was in the shower the other day and reached for the soap bottle when I discovered it was empty.  So naturally I reached for the other one (it’s always good to have a back up), only to realize that my backup was also bone dry inside.  How I did not notice the evening before they were both empty and why they were still in the shower is something only my subconscious could answer if it wasn’t marinating in a jacuzzi of hops and barley. 

Now the first thing that came to mind was contemplating if there was a full bottle available in the closet which I am sure there was, but this is where the laziness kicks in:  the thought of getting out of a hot shower, dripping and walking to the closest to retrieve bottle of new soap seemed like a very daunting and bothersome task, even if it only did take 20 seconds.  The whole thought process bouncing around in my noggin, weighing both the pros and cons of such a bold and innovative solution took longer than if I just would have performed the task initially.  And again, the fact I am detailing this all out in this very post is beyond any sane comprehension.

Then another bottle grabbed my attention.  It was blue, very blue in fact, and it isn’t that much a of a stretch of the imagination to realize it also had a faint hint of blueberry fragrance.  What was it?  It was my dog’s specially formulated body scrup/shampoo.  I picked up and scanned the bottle.  I read the ingrediants…seemed all above board and normal.  I took a small whiff…yup…blueberries for sure.  I looked at the price: $14.99.  Surly, if his shampoo costs more than mine it can’t be all that bad. 

So with all the facts and circumstances laid out before me, I am readily admitting that due to my laziness of not wanting to temporarily get out of the shower, I lathered by whole body up from head to toe in my dogs shampoo.

Would it suprise you to learn that the following day, knowing full well ahead of time I was out of body wash stepping back into teh shower, that of course I forgot again?  Well, don’t be.  I did indeed forget the second day, and once again lathered up in my doggy sudz, both of us smelling like blueberries.

So as any self respecting nerdy geek like myself will admit to without embarrassment, I enjoy video games.  Always have.  My very first console was an Intellivision, followed by the following: Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Xbox, Wii, Xbox 360.  That doesn’t include the portable systems I’ve owned as well: GameBoy advance and PSP nor my pure gaming rig, the PC computer.

Anyways, I’ve played a lot of games over the years.  Some good, some bad, some strange.  But Japan has the market on weird shit as the picture states.  The land of the rising sun in all their tech savvy ways is also very perverted.  That’s not to say the Germans and a few other European countries don’t give the Japanese a run for their money when it comes to eroticism and perversion…well, I suppose perversion is in the eye of the beholder, but the Japanese often blend sex with just about anything they can.  Take vending machines for instance:  it is well known that Japanese business men can often be seen dropping coins into public vending machines in order to obtain panties.  Yes…panties.  Not sure if they are ‘used’ or not, but no one seems to think this is out of the ordinary over there.

They are also obsessed with Manga, or to qualify, cartoonish looking robots and young school girls with larger than life eyes, huge breasts, and some kind of innocent-slash-constipated look on their faces.

Now throw in video games.

This is what you get: Eroge, a video games that not only encourages masturbation, but also keeps score and statistics regarding your solo activities if you feel so inclined.  Yes, you are indeed reading this correctly….the game keeps track of how many times you have decided to a choke the proverbial chicken.  There are numerous categories you can enter data in (wash your hands first though), such as: Did you use socks today?  How long did it take you?  How many times did you spank the monkey today?  You get the idea.  The best part is, there is a handy graphing tools as well for those math centric racial stereotyping we are go good at.  Hey, go compare your graph with that of your friend.  Fun!

One of the old adage’s we have all heard time and time again, but seemingly and knowingly tend to ignore for various (and quite possibly mischievous) reasons is to never talk politics or religion with those you are close with or coworkers.

I came across a recent news article online regarding an anonymous benefactor back in Minneapolis who purchased some billboard space and had the following picture adorned on the side of the highway.  Personally, I found the picture quite funny as former President Bush looks a tad cartoonish here, but more so in lieu of all the pop-shots the media has been taken this last year at the right and Sarah Palin.

Now before you get your own personal panties in a tizzy, I’ll have you know that while I do consider myself a person who leans towards the conservative side of things, my stance the last few years has grown increasingly Independent.  See, personally, I wasn’t happy with the last few years of the Bush administration, not because of his convictions or morals, but more so because I thought his administration dropped the ball on a few things and forgot about many others.  I believe the GOP had lost sight of their core constituents and stopped listening to those who placed them into office.  I am one of those Americans who no longer believe that those in Washington were working for the people, but working for their own designs and elitist agenda.

That goes for both parties, and while I’ll be the first to say I will never be a ‘liberal’ or lean so far left that I throw all common sense out the window, the ‘right’ hasn’t been doing themselves any favors in my eyes either. 

Enter the 2008 election where the messiah of Hope and Change was elected to nauseating heights and the masses began to trip over themselves as they abandoned all common sense and truly became blind and deaf to the world around changing around them. 

Now it’s more than a year later and this administration continues to blame the previous guard for all their shortcomings.  Healthcare?  No.  Immigration?  No.  Guantonimo?  No.  Iraq?  No.  National Security?  No.  Stimulus?  No.  Housing market?  Not yet.  Iran?  Still no.  The list goes on and on, but I digress.

I placed this picture on my Facebook page as an attempts of humor, and I was shocked on how quickly and visceral the comments were from my ‘liberal’ friends.  Yes, I do have friends who swing left, but I always find it very amusing that they are also the most intolerant and one-track mind when it comes to politics.  The party that proclaims to be progressive, enlightened, and tolerant of all viewpoints….really isn’t.  No, sadly when it comes to politics and religion, if you can’t agree with them or sit back and laugh, they take their ball home from the sandbox and pout.

Does that mean all liberals?  Before you flood my email and comments with yet more knee jerk reactions, the answer is no, of course not all liberals are this uptight.  I’m just stating from my own personal pool of friends (who will remain nameless here) is the old “They can dish it out, but can’t take it themselves” attitude.  When Obama won and was sworn in I can’t recall any of my conservative friends throwing a hissy fit.  However, you mention any of the string of quantifiable instances that Obama hasn’t been able to pull off any of his agenda of ‘change’ as promised you better duck for cover and steel yourself for the tirade of insults that are about to fly your way.

To my liberal friends….lighten up, drink a cocktail..or in your case two or three.  We’re still friends, we’re still adults, act your age and prove me wrong that you can actually handle a little criticism, even if in jest.  You only have three years left to enjoy this mess anyway.

I have no words for this.

It’s pretty much self-explanatory on the WTF front.

The poster caught my eye.

And I am glad it did.

Apparantly I’ve never heard of this little gem from our Canadian friends up north.  Based on a B&W short, this mockumentary style comedy ran on Canadian televion for seven seasons beginning in 2001.  It also spawned a few television specials and two feature films.  “The Big Dirty”, the first feature film was my first exposure to these characters and it was downright hilarious.  Not all the acting is top noch, but I don’t think it is supposed to be.  Each character is his or her own unique traffic accident waiting to happen and how they keep a straight face while selling you on their schtick is beyond me.

It’s a special type of humor, very similar to the style of ‘The Office’ or ‘Parks and Recreation’.  If your into that dry delivery and very intelligent although sophmoric humor, then I think you’ll love this show.  Like most mockumentaries of this nature, you’ll fall into either of two camps:  A) you won’t get it and thinks it’s dumb, or B) you’ll howl and cry out laughing.  Thank goodness I fall into the later category, and can look past the low budget (that’s half its charm anyway) and enjoy the nonsense and antics for what they are.

Now I suppose it’s up to me to go back and get the shows on DVD either through Netflix or purchasing the seasons through Amazon.  Either way, this is now on my “must see” list.  I’ll spare you the details of the chracters and plotlines, as they can all be found at the Wikipedia entry here.  But suffice to say, the antics at the trailer park are so ridiculous and out there, that they actually seem plausible as do many of the characters themselves.  The character’s Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles (pictures) are perfect and I swear they are charicatures of people we all actually have run into at one point in our lives.

Through the miracle of digital crack addiction phenom known as Facebook, I was able to recently reconnect with an associate I knew back in highschool some 20 years ago.  I learned that he has his own podcast over at teh website: SkurvyMonkeys.  A variety show chock full of music, comedy, and random musings between two dudes. 

I’m currently listening to the episode entitled ‘A Christmas to Drink by (part 2)’, and am very impressed.  This episode has some particularly funny holiday themeds music ranging from Disney to The Kinks.  A nice change from the ever so predictable Howard Stern crapola.

Production sounds a helluva lot better than my own futile attempts (Erik, don’t mind if I hit you up on some podcasting questions at a later date).  You can find their podcast on iTunes and I’ve included the links (skurvymonkeys.com and blendedmonkeys.com) in the right margin right here.  Anyway, go check them out!

Site Maintenance:

• MapPress upgraded to v1.5.8.9
• Blubrry Power Press upgraded to v1.0.4

Came across this news story from FOXnews earlier today, and as soon as I read where….why wasn’t I surprised?  Okay, sorry if this seems somewhat insensitive, but all stereotypes are indeed borne out of some truth….otherwise it wouldn’t be labeled a ’stereotype’.

The number of teenage moms has increased in recent years — and one Chicago high school has reportedly become a shocking example of that, revealing that one in eight of its female students are pregnant.

Of the 800 female students at Paul Robeson High School in Chicago, Ill., 115 are expectant mothers, CBS2Chicago.com reported Thursday.

The staggering number can be attributed to various factors inside the home — not the school — principal Gerald Morrow told the station.

“It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home, if you will,” Morrow said, according to the network, noting that “absentee fathers” are another factor in the school’s high number of teen pregnancies.

The birth rate for teens ages 15 to 19 increased 5 percent from 2005 to 2007, according to a March 18 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics.

What I can’t believe (actually I can because it does indeed defy conventional logic….but that’s what left-centric causes and ideologies perpetuate…excuses and placing the responsibility on someone else’s shoulders rather than those that put themselves there to begin with.), is the fact that the explanation comes in the lame form of “It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home..”

Really?  Whoa!  Some one check out Mr. smartypants and his credentials.  Of course it can be things happening or not happening in the home…I’d like to take a stab at it…Teenage kids are having unprotected sex and no one (including the kids) are taking any responsibility for it! 

Now don’t give me this horseshit that kids aren’t educated or don’t know any better, or lack of sex education or that they come from poverty.  My word man, are you really telling me that more than 1 out of 8 kids in Chicago are that stupid?  Well, since it actually takes two kids to make things happen, the odds of getting two like minded dumb-shits together seems somewhat staggering.  What you’re trying to sell me is that these kids apparently don’t know what happens from movies, from neighbors, parents, church, siblings, television, the streets, or say….the other 100+ kids in the school that made the same judgment call.  There are countries out there with much worse social and financial problems than we have and their pregnancy rates aren’t that high and that concentrated.  No, are kids and those that surround them are in la-la land and think good ‘ole Uncle Sam has the responsibility to take care of them.  Bullshit.

STOP making excuses for these r-tards and stop asking me and the rest of the Joe Public and government to pay for them.  In the advent of health care reform the president and the left is trying to rail through capitol hill, our monies are going to pay for this.  No…..

I seriously wish I could indeed take credit for this masterpiece of creativity.  I came across this ‘rant’ letter today from “Emails From Crazy People.”, and I swear this author and I must have crosses paths at one time or another.  I too work with a few people whom I spend way too much time contemplating how they got their job and wondering how they got past HR and the interview process. 

Anyway, with out further ado, I offer up this perfect slice of wickedly funny WTF:

To the women who work in my office… I hate you

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like ‘who you callin’ for?’ or ‘he in a meetin’ right now’ or my personal favorite, ‘who this is?’ I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone.

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don’t wear panties.

Boss’ old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared’ it’s Evan.

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don’t care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard.

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it!

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don’t want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don’t know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then!

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn’t slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn’t respect you any less.

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I’m pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man.

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son… yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office… not a brothel.

Witchita, KAN - A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at knifepoint.

Police say two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6p/m. saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings.  Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry, and the man’s wallet.

Police say one of the robbers was a 64-year-old man who egged his 59-year-old companion on during the robbery.

The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.

It is widely well known and accepted that billionaire Bruce Wayne began his ascent to the mantle of Gotham City’s vigilante and caped crusader of justice as Batman after the tragic murder of his parents when he was but a youth.

However, very little is know about Chatsworth, CA’s. own crusader of the night, Clarence Washington.

While enrolled in the liberal studies certificate program at the local community college, part time student and current Papa John’s delivery man, Clarence Washington takes matters into his own hands at night. 

Donning his very own stealth suit (Kobe Bryant’s jersey painted black), and armed with the latest in Radio Shack technology, ‘Blackman’ carves out his own brand of sweet Chuck-D inspired justice nightly (except when there is a delivery to be made or new episodes of Run’s House) and helps keep graffiti artists and unsolicited window washers at bay.

You’re lucky if you can catch a glimpse of this super-tricked out VW and the man behind the crinkled do-it-yourself tint.  However, ken eyed and vigilant observers may catch a glimpse of the Blackmobile frequently parked outside his rented room of his mom’s house in the 300 block of town.